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Coaching E-Zine - Issue No. 26/ February 2008

Dear Reader,

How did the New Year start for you? As expected? Positive or rather negative turns?

I'm particularly happy that the largest English newspaper in Hong Kong, the South China Morning Post (Classified Post section) decided to publish a column of at least 10 coaching case studies authored by me.

You may read the first article by scrolling down.

With these articles I share my experiences in coaching various senior executives on a variety of different topics. I trust this sharing is helpful for you no matter if you are a manager, aspiring to become a manager or a coach yourself.

Would love to hear any feedback from you on any of the cases I share with you. Email me at

Let’s keep progressing!

Charlie Lang

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From the coach's bench: Learn to manage feelings better

By Charlie Lang, Executive Coach & Trainer @ Progress-U Limited

Published in SCMP Classified Post on 19th January 2008

Download this article

When I first met Ellie, a 45-year-old chief operating officer of a European electronics group, I was puzzled. She spoke dynamically and with great energy, but her eyes looked tired.

Ellie said she hired me to provide support in formulating strategy on people issues during the major restructuring that the company was undertaking. 



When senior managers decide to hire an executive coach, they usually state business-related objectives for the coach to work on with them. 



However, in most cases, the manager is actually experiencing some kind of difficulty on a deeply-troubling and related, or underlying issue which they want to be able to deal with better in order to feel better about themselves.



This was also the case with Ellie. During our second session, she revealed that she was deeply troubled by the politics fostered by some directors and the lack of moral support from her chief executive.



As a result, she was having problems with sleeping, which was affecting her ability to keep up the high pace she normally prefers.



While it was important to address and work on the issues that Ellie articulated when she hired me, I found it more urgent to help Ellie improve her emotional state. She said it not only affected her sleep but also her relationship with her family.



To help her deal better with her emotions, I told her this story: 



CL Imagine, someone writes a nasty letter to you, insults you and calls you names, then puts the letter into an envelope, seals it and mails it to you. How would you feel about this letter? 


E I would probably be angry and upset.


CL Now imagine that you never open the envelope. How would you feel then?


E No feelings, because I don't know what's inside.


CL So what makes you potentially upset?


E The contents of the letter.


CL Really? The content is there, inside the letter.


E Oh, I see, it's me knowing the content then.


CL Yes, and especially, how you interpret it once you know it, because you could think in one of several ways. You could think that this is unfair, how can he write such a thing to me? Or you can think that if this person writes such nonsense to me, then I couldn't be bothered. Finally you might think that it's really a pity that he has this opinion about me. Let me see how I could help him to understand me better. 
In the first case, you would feel angry or upset. In the second, you would feel indifferent. And in the last case, you would feel compassionate. 



These are three different emotions, depending on how you choose to think. It suddenly dawned on Ellie that if she wanted to feel better immediately and sleep more peacefully at night, she would need to start thinking differently about her current circumstances. Learning to detach herself emotionally from the situation also helped her deal better with the current problem.



She further understood that giving her best is the best she can do and if things do not turn out as desired, she would have the awareness that she at least gave her best in the process.



It turned out that Ellie could manage her feelings much better, and a welcome consequence of this was the increased respect of the directors for her.



Charlie Lang is an executive coach and trainer who founded Progress-U in 2002. His mission is to assist his clients in becoming first-class leaders

For more information related to Progress-U Leadership Training and Coaching, please click here.

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