Home > Resources > Published E-Zines > Published in 2006 > Leadership E-Zines > June 2006 - Leading with Emotional Intelligence

Leading with Emotional Intelligence E-Zine - Issue No. 5/ June 2006

Dear Reader,

Today I talked to an HR Director of a medium sized company. She asked me this: "One of the managers who recently joined us feels that nobody in his department is willing to accept more responsibility. They all want to be told what to do, they don't like the concept of empowerment. Now obviously he can't fire the whole team, so what do you think he should do?"

I shared with her the concept of neuro-logical levels which influence our behaviors. The 3 most important levels are attitude, beliefs and values. From my experience, in a corporate environment attitudes and beliefs can be rather easily changed through the coaching approach. Values however, are very hard to change. It takes typically several months, requires a deep level of trust between coach and coachee and still the outcome is uncertain.

She realized that her manager will need to figure out which neuro-logical levels are at the root of the current behavior of his staff. For those with fundamental value issues, a replacement might be required. For those whose behavior is rooted in a certain attitude or in certain beliefs, chances are good that positive change can be achieved.

When reading today's article on Emotional Intelligence, you might want to keep the concept of neuro-logical levels in mind.

Let's keep progressing!

Charlie Lang
Executive Coach and Founder of Progress-U Ltd.
Author of The Groupness Factor

Back to Top

In conflict with one of your team members? Your Emotional Intelligence can help!

Download this article

by Sebastien Henry

Is there somebody in your team with whom you are having trouble? However hard you try, your relationship just isn't smooth at all. You feel that your message doesn't get across.

You are quite frustrated with this person. The conflict has lasted for too long. On top of that, this person comes from a different culture, something common when doing business in Asia. And you've heard time and time again that people from this culture tend to deal with conflicts and emotions in a way totally different from yours.

You are prepared to give more effort, but you don't really know what else you can do. Actually, you don't know what this person truly thinks and feels. As a participant in one of my workshops said, it's like having a black box in front of you, and you don't know what's inside.

So what can you do to have this person on board again? Even better, can you imagine having this person truly engaged?

In such situations, strengthening your Emotional Intelligence (EI) can help a lot. That's because one dimension of EI is the ability to identify emotions in other people, to understand them at a deeper level.

In the kind of situation I earlier described, it is very likely that there are two sets of emotions at work in the relationship.

The first set of emotions is your own, the result of what can be called a "Type 1 incident". You expect people to do things in a way that makes sense to you. But they don't. Thus an incident happens and some emotions pop up (frustration, anger, etc.).

The second set of emotions is "owned" by the other person. This set of emotions is just like the other side of a coin. The other person expects you to behave in a way that, to this person, makes sense. You don't. Thus an incident happens, a "Type 2 incident". And some emotions pop up (frustration, anger, etc.).

My question to you is this: How well do you know the other side of the coin? How well do you know the emotions at work in the other person?

Very often we have no clear idea. We can guess, at best. And it seems that it does not matter that much. So why does it matter after all?

Why is it important to clarify the feelings of the other person?

Because inquiring about the other person's emotions and acknowledging those emotions is a very powerful way to unlock your relationship.

Just recall an experience when your feelings were fully understood and acknowledged by somebody. It felt really good, right? Probably your anger or frustration underwent some sudden change as a result. Perhaps it opened new avenues in your relationship.

Unfortunately, this kind of experience is not very frequent, especially at the workplace (though it also happens in intimate relationships!).

Acknowledging emotions doesn't mean agreeing with the other person. There is a world of difference between saying "OK, I can see that you are frustrated and angry" and saying "You're right".

So, in practical terms, what can you do in the situation I described?

Set a goal of saying explicitly to the person you're in conflict with how you understand that person's feelings. If you are not sure, if the feelings were not expressed clearly, then ask. Just ask. And acknowledge.

Believe me, this works beautifully across cultures. After two years in Japan and four years in China, working with people from so many nationalities, I have never experienced a situation where this did not work.

You may have heard that people from such or such culture don't like to express their emotions. Believe me, if they feel that you care for them as a boss and that they can trust you, they will open up and share what they feel.

Don't forget, there is something precious in the black box. What exactly?   Some precious feelings to acknowledge.

For more information related to Progress-U Leadership Training and Coaching, please click here.

Back to Top of this Article

Copyright 2006 by Progress-U Limited